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rosaenaluin 65F
9923 posts
6/6/2020 1:46 am
Veto right,


In almost all D/s activities, the s type person ALWAYS has the veto right.
To stop every scene, play, in every phase of that scene.

( if you are lucky and the "d" type respects your limits?)

Just use your safe/stopword, and voilà!

She has the power/ controle/ Authority (again.)

That is the basic of almost all D/s contacts, activities.
And for most that is just like they want and need it.

To me, this tells me, she is in controle / not him, never him.

'Tolerate/ accept' him to act the dominant role, for his and her benevits....
mutual goals, pure, mostly on the sexual D/s focussed.

A sexual D/s.

To me, it is a agreed upon/....

Knowing, that actually shé is the one, who is - always - in controle -.

That is how i experienced the d/s contacts i had, too.
I could on any moment, stop it all....

It was a role i had to take on, for his cratification, it had nothing to do, with me, or my desires, needs & wants.

For me, that looses the authenticity of it all.
It is a game. It is sex.

That is why i am not able to surrender in such a situation.

He Is NEVER IN CONTROLE, at all, he just plays that role...
make believe, pretend..

Knowing this...
That kind of "dominance" wont ever work for me.
Because i know, that i have the end controle.

How can i surrender? Myself wholely?
When i controle it?

That is also why i would rather have no safe word.... that is the goal.
Otherwise i will never be able to come in that special head space.

That is also why i dont do anything "casual"...
It will never work for me!
It will make me even more, and more restless, agitated.

To me, that is a farce.
Laughable, A Joke.

Reducing surrender / being in charge, to a artificial game...
make believe,
Not he, never hé.

I cant surrender to that kind of temporary 'dominance', with my approval, so to say.

That is also why i say; I am a slave, NOT a submissive

There never can be really deep felt surrender, in those situation., not for me.

It is temporary, during the scene, only during the game...
Untill the sexual release, or some other appointed point in time, to stop..
And both know it...

For sure, the feelings of both submissive and top, can be genuine.
I do believe that.
From their viewpoint....

When the scene/play is finished the temporary 'power/Authority' transfer... ends.
And they are equal again to each other.

To me, this is an "agreed upon" d/s,
dominance during the scene, only,
thus; role play....

In a M/s, d/s, Totall Authority, = he is in charge =,
they both agreed, he has the final say, she follows his lead,
he is in charge.
ALL THE TIME.

And not just in the "bedroom sexy play time".

In such a dynamic, they both took the time to get to know each other, as persons FIRST.
He knows all her ins and outs, there are no secrets, there is constant communication flow, about all and everything.
This goes both ways.

Their goals is much wider, they want to get to know the WOLE PERSON,
not just her/his sexual urges....

Because they understand that submission/ DEEP FELT SURRENDER does not come from the body cavities or being horny, or having certain sexual fantasies, or fetishes.

but from THE BRAIN, THE MIND.

Maybe, just because of her and his safety, they agreed to use a safeword....,
in the beginning.
Also there is communication during the d/s sm sex....

But, as he knows her better, then she knows herself, he has become very good in reading her body language.
And, there is always open communication, so she can tell about her needs & wants, it is up to him, to grand them, or not.....

And, on the contrary to some players/tops, he embraces all her communication,
that is how they learn to get to know each other...

SM is for me, not just some physical release system, with someone who i really dont know anything about....

Only on a superficial level.. Only on a sexual level...

For me, that is soo empty, so baren, it makes me want to cry...

As they both took the time, to get to know each other, as a person first,
his Dominance over her, has value, has depth
Has a very solid base.

She knóws all about him, she trust him, unconditional.

Only then, i am able to surrender to that man, wholely....

This is not only about having the same fetishes
This is NOT about fetishes or fantasies....

THIS, is about surrender.
NO power struggle, he is in the lead, and she follows....

This is about much, much more then just the sexual game playing.

Sure, we need to be compatible on a lot of levels and on some levels there will be compromises, it all depend on how important certain aspect of life are.. for each other...

Hard limits, like smoking are not negotiable.

I need it, for my surrender, to know that he IS in charge, is the leader of the relation.
There is no need of a power struggle, because i follow his lead, and since he KNOWS, REALLY knows me, he also knows what is important to me, or not...

He takes in account all that is, and makes a decision, based on that.

It is soo rude to be asked by a totall stranger, but hey! he put the *d* in his profile, so now all of the sudden,
ALL women have to answer anything that drops out of his mouth..?

Só without any respect or understanding of the works of SM, submissive minds, protocol/code of conduct.

So rude!
And, all they have to offer me, is their dick, basically.
And their sexual fantasies/ porn fantasies...;

Two slaps on the buttock, some hair pulling, anal sex, (ofcourse) and some twists of the nipple.. finishing it off with some fucking, (ofcourse)

and they think they are DOMINANT!
Such a sad lot.....
Only focussed on the physical, bodily actions....
S E X, kinky sex, role play sex.
Is not SM.

On the mental level, they have nothing to give.

So sad, soo terrible sad... So empty.....

I need to know, he is IN charge, 24/7, otherwise i am not able to let go.
to totally surrender.

I need that totall surrender.. mind and body.
But FIRST the mind connection.

Without that mental connection, that building friendship, building long lasting trust, wanting the same, having fun, having the same life goals, first,

i am not able to surrender to that person, not mentally and for sure not physical.

If i needed it just for the physical release......?

masturbation will do the trick.

I need to feel his power, his force, his mental powers. his power of character.
I want to be impressed by his personality.

I understand that everybody has other wants and needs, or is just here for some sexual release.

To me, a Only Sexual d/s would never work.
It is simply not enough.

It is NOT about the bodily release,
But about the MENTAL CONNECTION & from wich comes the RELEASE...

My thoughts, my needs.

rosaenaluin 65F
10841 posts
6/6/2020 1:52 am

I dont wánt the veto right, i want him to be in controle/ in charge and then, i am able to surrender to him., fully.

That is how this works in my mind.

otherwise it is just an empty sexual game... Been there, done that, so baren, soo empty....
no satisfaction at all.


lancylad 78M
382 posts
6/6/2020 2:08 am

Wow ! So deep, so expressive & so true Rosa !
You have hit the nail on the head for me !
But can you/me find what seems to be unattainable I ask myself ???


rosaenaluin 65F
10841 posts
6/6/2020 3:27 am

lancylad, Yes, this is possible!

It is not easy, those Ds dont advocate themselfs ,around here, or anywhere else, with dick/breast pic. and all that bullshit more.
They dont shout their socalled "dominance" about, to prove his manlyhood... womanhood, cough..

On FET are groups totally focussed on this kind of Dynamic.
I have them in my profile, as groups i am a member of...

Most are totally focussed on the bodily actions.... only! nothing more.

Cant even inmaging that such a Dynamic is even possible... Or are very afraid of the impact of such a dynamic... = dont have what it takes.


rosaenaluin 65F
10841 posts
6/6/2020 3:37 am

kundalin, You are absolutely right!

In a d/s.

In a M/s that does not have to be the case. Or mostly, is not the case, at all.

Once i was in a conversation with a "d?"
We talked about how his dominance showed about...; he gave as an example a conversation he had with his wife/sub,
He told me, in his former relation, ( his wife) when they sat on the sofa and he "suggested/ asked?" her if she wanted to "go upstairs"... That was their codeword...
And she just said; nah, i dont feel like it....
Párdon?
They had a d/s.

WHo is in charge? in that situation?
Who is the dominant?
Thát is the reality for people in a D/s.
That is how the roles are set....
The s type is in charge., when push comes to shove.
That is my experience with couples in a d/s.


rosaenaluin 65F
10841 posts
6/6/2020 3:48 am

Hamlet, as you can read in my response to kundalin... that is a possiblity.
IN A D/S, play orientated.

A M/s is NOT play orientated, it is relation, Authority Transfer 'he is in charge' orientated.
Thát is a very big difference!

I even dare to say, that they are not submissives, but are more sexual orientated, driven.
NOT SM.
There is a difference, but it is "not done" to speak out" about that.

I dont care, what their core intrest is; kinky sex, porn fantasy, what ever...

Hamlet, there is no power exchange, there is no Authority Transfer, there is the game, the sm scene, play.
It is play orientated, from a vanilla point of view. equality. as basis.
Thát is my view, you dont have to agree.


rosaenaluin 65F
10841 posts
6/6/2020 3:55 am

kundalin, so many people, so many taste.. also in a M/s.

Indeed, communication is key, and when communication is key, the need for a safe word might not be necessary, anymore....

But, most! d/s are vanilla based, sexual orientated contact.

There is no Power / Authority Transfer.
There is no interest in the person, FIRST.
There is a sexual interest in the person, not as a person, but as a fetish delivery system, this goes both ways, from s to d too...

Only temporary, for as long as 'the game' is on...


rosaenaluin 65F
10841 posts
6/6/2020 4:07 am

kundalin,
most M/s dont start as a M/s, but they both want to get there.
Need that kind of relation, to feel fulfilled and happy.
It starts as friendship.

SO they start easy and start as a form of d/s with a bit M/s in it, Or a bit M/s with d/s in it,
and the Ms/ part gets bigger and bigger...

If the two people are compatible on more then the sex games.....
As i see it.....
Your milage may vary....


DancingDom 74M
22475 posts
6/6/2020 4:55 am

    Quoting  :

I am in kunda's camp. Safe words are like the safety valve on a water heater. Othwise, in my view it is a "topping from the bottom" situation. Trust build in a relationship. That safe word woudl be used in earlier stages of a DS relationship hwhen pay is involved. Over time, it becomes kind of useless. The level of trust becomes so developed that a safe word is just not used, unless it is an emergency situation in play only. For example, the submissive develops a health issue. This is specially true for an older submissive. It might also be used when a new type of play is introduced, such asusing a Violet wand or even say latex paint play. it could be that it is affecting breathing or in the case of the latex an allergic reaction happens.

What Rosa describes is to me more like a maser/slave situation, without it being identified as such. Many submissives, will say after years in a DS relationship that they so trust the dominant that it feels like Master/Slave.

Even in Master/Salve as with DS, the submissive, they can opt out at any time if the agreements are broken. There is not legally binding salve contract at least in the in the USA or most other countries.Even if they are married, if the Dominant/Master is doing things that are physically harmful to the submissive, that too can be dissolved.

I do agree with Rosa, there are a heck of a lot of people role playing the D?S or M?S dynamic where the submissive/slave is really in charge. I would say that, people that start relationships with role play, basically continue role play when it goes real time. That is one reasons why role play relationships developed on line are as handy as a screen door in a submarine.

"One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"


rosaenaluin 65F
10841 posts
6/6/2020 12:49 pm

DD, Thank you, for your reaction.


rosaenaluin 65F
10841 posts
6/6/2020 1:11 pm

Hamlet, sure there are or can be, elements of TPE in a d/s.... mostly in a play scenario...
Not as a Power/ Authority Transfer, 24/7, living it.

Although i prefere the term; TAT= totall Authority transfer.
But that is an other discussion....

A bottom is not the same as being a submissive, a bottom can or cant be submissive.
A bottom is not a slave.
A slave is not the same as a submissive
A masochiste does not have to be a submissive.
Not every submissive is a masochiste.
Most submissives are not slaves.

A dominant is not always a Master, but most Masters are Dominant.
A Top is not a Dominant.
A Dominant does not always have sadistic needs.
Not every sadist is a Dominant.
A sex player/swinger is not a dominant.
kinky fuckery is not SM.
Roleplay is not SM.

The Nomenclature can be of interest, in conversations like this....
Knowing the basics, and knowing the differences, makes a hell of a difference.

Thank you for your viewpoint.

Great, you found your own crowd.

I explained why i dont want to use a safeword, in a M/s dynamic.
How that works in my mind.

I explained why having a sexual/ bedroom / play "d/s" is not my cup of tea, at all, never fulfilling enough.
I explained why i call myself a slave.
Thats all.



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